Top Tips to Impress the Ladies

chat up line 1 huffpost

‘Make Girls BEG To Sleep With You After SHORT-CIRCUITING Their Emotional And Logical Mind Into A Million Reasons Why They Should…’

This is the first line of Julien Blanc’s website, ‘’ One scrolls down to find terms such as ‘validation stack,’ ‘social hook point,’ and the ‘four pillars of sex-worthiness,’ all capitalised to assert their validity as if he were some sort of sexual guru Heidegger, which is a terrifying concept in itself. (Note: for the purposes of this post, I have made all the terms lower case in an attempt to undermine him).

He offers 13 hours of PURE RAW TRAINING for the very reasonable price of $5,481. This includes membership of the private Julien Facebook group which comes up as ‘priceless’ in the breakdown of prices, so we’re talking about a real bargain here. I had to stop scrolling through the site, firstly because it felt like I was losing brain cells with every click of the mouse, but mainly because it filled me with despair. Here was a set of teachings that reduced interaction with women into some sort of game in which one had to be constantly aware of its mechanisms in order to achieve an ultimate goal. Through pseudo-psychological theories, men with no confidence are being told that they must constantly play mind games in order to talk to women, whilst paying $5,481 for the privilege of learning how to do so. Between Julien Blanc and Dapper Laughs, it seems we’re facing a crisis where dating advice is concerned (and a crisis in general).

To counter this crisis, I have compiled a list of tips and techniques on how to chat up women based on a combination of Julien’s own teachings and some field research/standing around awkwardly in nightclubs. The best bit is that it’s absolutely free!

 Lactose Validation Point

Julien Blanc’s site boasts techniques on how to develop ‘panty dropping masculinity’ through controlling one’s ‘inner game.’ Apparently it’s all about stimulating her emotionally, but I believe it comes down to how skimmed your milk is.

If you end up going for coffee, make sure that you order a latte with WHOLE MILK. Cave paintings found in the Indonesian Island of Sulawesi show men drinking milk straight from the buffalo, so a whole milk latte will show your date how similar you are to primal man.


Crumb Assertion

When conversing with a woman, it’s important to assert your masculinity through mind games. While she’s talking, very subtly bring out a sourdough roll and place it on the table. This will let her know, through subliminal means, that you have what it takes to be a breadwinner, thus making her more likely to invest in you.

18th Century Negging Technique

Many have attempted to pick up women through negging, which has become somewhat of a global phenomenon since the publication of Neil Strauss’ The Game. It is a technique where one attempts to undermine the woman’s confidence through back handed comments and insults, thus making her vulnerable to one’s advances. Those that have tried to neg and failed are making one vital error, and that is that their negging is not philosophically grounded. The 18th Century German philosopher Arthur Schopenhaur was one of the original existentialist lads, and his essay ‘Of Women’ is a great resource for negging methods.

So next time you’re attempting to chat up a woman, why not use one of Arthur’s smooth lines:

‘One need only look at a woman’s shape to discover that she is not intended for either too much mental or too much physical work.’

‘Women are directly adapted to act as the nurses and educators of our early childhood, for the simple reason that they themselves are childish, foolish, and short-sighted—in a word, are big children all their lives, something intermediate between the child and the man…’

‘Moreover, she is intellectually short-sighted, for although her intuitive understanding quickly perceives what is near to her, on the other hand her circle of vision is limited and does not embrace anything that is remote… this is why they have greater inclination for extravagance, which sometimes borders on madness.’

If she doesn’t fall at your feet, or ‘puts up a ‘bitch shield’’ as Blanc would put it, then it’s nothing personal – she probably just prefers the writings of Hegel.

Common First Date Error   

We’ve all been there lads, when is the right time to reveal that you own all three Take That live DVDs? I made the mistake of mentioning it on a first date and I spent the next three days crying while singing Back for Good, wondering why she hadn’t replied to my message. Heed my warning, wait till the third date at the earliest.


The Wrong Game (Notes from the Field)

I did try one of Julien’s techniques in the field, but I found that it didn’t work so well for me. I was talking to a woman at a house party, and she was telling me about how she ate mince pies by scooping out the mincemeat, throwing it away and just eating the pastry. As a fan of mince pies, this was a heinous act, so I threatened to write up and publish a document exposing her pie eating wrongdoings. Needless to say, she wasn’t impressed. Confused by the fact that she wasn’t falling at my feet every time I slipped the word ‘WikiLeaks’ into the conversation, it dawned on me that I had in fact been getting dating advice from the other Julian that had been in the news that week (Assange).


So there you have it, my top techniques for successfully talking to women. I’m currently putting together a series of lectures as well as ringing up itv2 on a daily basis – I imagine I probably possess the right balance of banter and utter absurdity to get my own TV show on there.




  1. This is the twenty-first century so don’t forget that all women need to be validated through the use of social media. So make sure to extend your Negging by frequently commenting on her facebook. This will not only show your attention to her but also show her friends how much you care about her when you are trying to rectify her liberal views about that women’s rights article she just posted.

  2. Lol. This is hilarious. men pay up such huge amounts for such bullshit, rather than simply being oneself, listening and respecting their dates. Someone’s men embarrass me.

    • Yes, it’s very obviously meant to be funny, and it’s doing a great job of taking the piss out of some self-proclaimed hook-up gurus who are indeed creepy 🙂 Banal Muffin is just ridiculing those guys (and does it brilliantly in my opinion 🙂

      • It is hard to spoof so thing that is so outrageous to begin with. I knew nothing about him until I read your post and was dumbfounded that he was serious. As a writer, I found the information useful. I’m sure people who are familiar with his stuff will be really annoyed at your writing.

        I think you can go further with your stuff. Keep in mind that satire does not read well and I’d very tricky to get across. Keep going and I think you’ll find the right tone that will land as you intend on all of us.

  3. Haha! Cried tears of laughter at that Take That paragraph! On a more positive note, should the occasion ask for it, Take That really are the perfect argument for contraception.

  4. Yeah, that’s like the most difficult thing to do. I was never really able to produce anything sensual or even smart without being a little bit drunk. Therefore, I always tried to flirt in bars and pubs, but I was not overly successful. That’s why I always preferred computer conversations first. And I met my wife through our common friend on FB.

  5. Sourdough roll? I’m all yours! 🙂
    On a more serious note: not entirely sure if we’re talking about the same Julian guy, but if we are, then his talks in Australia were boycotted and he had to get out of there after people saw the videos of his “lectures” in Japan (basically a racist&sexist rant on how white guys in Asia can do whatever they want with girls, including tips like “just force her head down in front of you”)

    • 🙂
      I believe it is the same guy – I find it unbelievable that he has the audacity to charge people $3000 to listen to his drivel, and that people are willing to pay for it. it was very satisfying to hear his talks were boycotted as well as a petition that went round to stop him from entering Australia. He needs to lay off the whole milk lattes, they seem to be giving him delusions of grandeur – he should switch to soya.

      • It’s a sad testimony to how little some men understand or think of women. On a hopeful note, the fact that he was boycotted is a sign this is changing, so – yay! 🙂

      • And I think he should stay on the whole milk lattes – maybe they’ll give him lactose intolerance and the resulting flatulence will subtly bring out the quality of his words…

  6. Think I’d be more impressed with a malted granary roll rather than sourdough which can be a bit hardwork, stodgy in the middle and weigh you down. Malted granary says that you are a bit different, complex (we love a complex man) and dont mind spending a bit of your hard won cash on something tasty 😉

  7. here’s a real tip for real men from a real woman…. “stop wasting time, energy and money on seeking quasi-psychotherapeutic ideals… there is no magic button to press; there is no systematic approach to women and our logic; there are no hard and fast rules or triggers to be pulled…. enough of this bullshit, guys… don’t shoot yourselves in the foot by chasing these silly ‘tips’ and contriving to be something that isn’t natural to you. be yourself. respect yourself. don’t be afraid to show emotion… women like that. don’t pay some clown to mould you into some homogenous male. those ideals are dated. outdated. predated.

    be yourself. women will love you for that.

  8. Reblogged this on and commented:
    It is really that hard, just be yourself. Make her laugh or smile. Compliment her, don’t be rude and be polite. Don’t try to hard and don’t change who you are just because of that person unless it’s something really bad. You are who you are, if they don’t accept you it wasn’t meant to be. Remember there is always someone out there for you, you just got to find him/her.

  9. Reblogged this on The Art of This n' That and commented:
    “I was talking to a woman at a house party, and she was telling me about how she ate mince pies by scooping out the mincemeat, throwing it away and just eating the pastry. As a fan of mince pies, this was a heinous act, so I threatened to write up and publish a document exposing her pie eating wrongdoings……”

    I just dieeedddd at this writers creation… Bloody genius!

  10. Oh yes, all women need validation by men… ahem… who is this plonker Julien Blanc? And what happened to plain old honesty and no games? Why do we have to make things so complex??

  11. Hilarious. I can’t even begin to fathom how someone has not only written such asinine antics down, but is able to sell them to others for outrageous sums of money! Wait- Is this the same guy that created “peacocking”?

  12. Pingback: Top Tips to Impress the Ladies | figurativelyliterallyhuh

  13. Hmmmm. You humans sure do go through a lot of maneuvers to get on with simple biological function. Of course, the use of the hand shake as a greeting starts your problem. We canines use the butt sniff and that pretty much tells us what we need to know.

  14. It’s easy to get attracted to those tips because it sounds too good to be true. We always want something that will guarantee results. It doesn’t have to be just dating same will go with making money.

  15. I was going to tell you how much I love this post, but then I realized that it might be because the techniques you used have worked on me. I also think that meat pies are awesome and that anyone who scoops them out should be placed on an isolated island where meat pies are forbidden.

  16. One more tip: When on your first date together, lean towards her and softly whisper “My whale would like to swim in the ocean that just got created in your panties”. Works like a charm.

  17. Nice. And how about ordering coffee and making it sound like ordering wine. This bean versus that bean, rich cream milk, temperature, volatile acidity… Basically making simple things look complicated.

  18. lol, har, ha, ha, ha… had his tips worked for him he would not have the time to write these tips. Har, ha, ha, I am restraining myself from rolling on the floor har, ha, ha…

  19. This is just another great example of how to part money from fools. I’ve just started my own religion over at Wit’s End – the first commandment – Send me All Your Money.

  20. Also, I had a buddy actually something similar to this with a two cheeseburgers from McDonalds. He brought two with him to a bar and in mid conversation starting eating one, and handed the other to the girl and they both just stared eating a cheeseburger. He ended it with, “see, I can provide baby.” This was 4 years ago. He just proposed.

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